I'm Taking This

Question: Hey, I am trying to make a good thievery story for my players. Are there any good stories of legendary feats of theft in mythology?

Oh, man, are there. Stealing shit is a time-honored tradition across world mythology, and some of the most hilarious tales have come out of some god or Titan having sticky fingers at the worst possible moment.

Prometheus, the Greek Titan of creative fire, was a major champion of humanity and also had a serial habit of punking Zeus, so he indulged both impulses by waiting until the other gods were away, sneaking past the Titanic guards and into Jupiter's temple of sacred flame, and stealing fire itself from the gods. He hid it inside a fennel-stalk, and then ran all the way to earth and presented it to humans, who henceforth knew the secret of fire. The story didn't end happily for him, since when Zeus discovered his deed he retaliated by chaining him to a rock to have his liver eaten by birds every day and creating Pandora, who subsequently ruined everything for everyone, but it was still one of the most famous examples of epic thievery ever.

Still in Greek territory, there's also the totally hilarious story of Hermes, who stole Apollo's entire herd of sacred cattle literally the first day after he was born. He put boots on the cattles' feet, so that their trail looked like that of men, and also led them in strange patterns and drove them backwards so that Apollo wasn't able to find where he eventually hid them. Apollo found out that it was him, of course, and Zeus eventually forced him to give them back, but not before an epic sassery competition in which Hermes keeps maintaining that he couldn't steal cows, he's a baby, for god's sake. He was let off the hook after presenting Apollo with the lyre in trade.

Over in Mexico, one of the most famous myths of Quetzalcoatl involves his theft of the bones of the previous race of humanity, for which he was forced to descend into the Underworld and face off with Mictlantecuhtli, the terrible skeletal death god. Mictlantecuhtli refused to give him the bones, which were by rights supposed to stay in the Underworld with him, so Quetzalcoatl simply jacked them and ran, leading the forces of death an epic chase through the halls of Mictlan. He almost didn't make it out thanks to falling into a pit trap on the way back to the surface (and when he fell, some of the bones broke into smaller pieces, which is why humans now come in different sizes), but he finally carried the bones triumphantly to the Overworld, where he and several other gods used them to create the current race of people.

Swap over to Norse mythology, where things getting stolen is an annoying way of life. In one story, the giant Thrym stole Mjolnir from Thor, leaving the thunder god diminshed and extraordinarily angry, and the ensuing hijinks, which involved him and Loki sneaking into the giant's castle in drag to pretend they were bringing Freya to marry him are pure comedy gold. Other times, it's Loki himself who's the thief, such as when he stole Freya's necklace Brisingamen and was subsequently caught and wrestled by Heimdall - while both of them were shapeshifted into seals - for a mighty number of days before being forced to give it back.

But wait, have you heard about Ireland? I can't narrate the whole thing because it's way too long, but the story of the Sons of Tuireann, who were charged by Lugh to collect various magical artifacts from around the world in penance for killing his father, is just a massive epic of them going to faraway lands and stealing the most valuable shit they can find - sometimes in disguise, sometimes after tricking the locals into giving it away, or sometimes just by storming the gates and running off with it. It is completely bananas. They also die at the end of the story, but it's not because of their thievery; that they totally get away with.

Another great story of divine theft comes from Slavic mythology, in a tale in which the king of the gods, Svarozhich, falls in love with a mortal woman but treats her exceptionally badly because it's against the law for gods to canoodle with mortals so he has to constantly hide her and prevent her from having children. The moon goddess, Chors, sees what he's up to and works out a plan with him to make the girl into a goddess to remove the issue, and then the two of them stage a professional-level caper in which he distracts Podaga, the goddess who guards the honey of immortality, and Chors uses the opportunity to ninja in there and steal some of it, which she then gives to the mortal woman to transform her into the goddess Pizamar.

And we can't forget Sun Wukong, over in China, who managed to steal and eat the Peaches of Immortality from Xiwangmu's garden after getting himself appointed as their protector and then totally quitting that job as soon as he realized how awesome the fruits were. Considering that the peaches only grow once every four thousand years or so and that all the gods need them to remain young, his pantheon was understandably peeved, and he therefore had to hide himself inside one of the peaches lest he be smited by their combined wrath.

Plus, the Hero Twins of Maya mythology! When the giant bird-monster Vucub Caquix declared its lordship over the jungle, the Twins decided to punk it back down from its prideful behavior, but found that it was too well-armored and powerful to fight head-on after they only wounded it and in return one of them had his arm torn off. However, they then disguised themselves as wandering magicians/healers and went and found the bird, which was crying because the shot to the head it had taken was hurting it. They promised to heal it, and then proceeded to steal the teeth right out of its head (thus explaining why birds don't have teeth) as well as stealing its eyes, and then ran off and left it crippled and extremely confused about what had just happened. Needless to say, it never seized power again.

There are actually way more stories than this; theft is always a popular topic, either in stories that praise the cleverness and resourcefulness of the thief or that use him as an example of the dire consequences that await anyone who steals when they shouldn't. There are several recurring motifs - for example, stealing fire from the gods appears in several mythologies - and a crazy amount of variety in the misbehavior that various divine figures can get up to.

If you have a favorite tale of divine larceny, please share it with us - the more the merrier!