Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Chariots of Fire

Question: Resheph has decided to hold a great cross-pantheon chariot race. The race starts in Tagarit, runs a circuit through various Titanrealms (the order is random but Sedeq is the homestretch) and ends back in Tagarit. Which god is your favorite to win? (Remember, Resheph is hosting, not competing.)

God, I hope it doesn't run through too many Titanrealms, or nobody's coming back from this thing alive.

If it's a race purely involving chariots, that narrows the field considerably; only some of Scion's cultures really used chariots as major vehicles of war, so several pantheons (the Loa, the Amatsukami, the Aztlanti, the Apu) are automatically disqualified for being boaters or horseback riders instead. Off the top of my head, the most famous chariot-driving gods are:

For the Aesir:
Freya, whose chariot is pulled by gigantic cats, which may make focusing on the race difficult
Thor, whose chances will be better if he refrains from eating his goats during the race itself

For the Anunna:
Ishtar, who had better win lest she make the winner's life hell
Marduk, whose horses quite literally foam at the mouth
Nergal, whose chariot is so cool it has its own festival
Ninurta, who is not satisfied until there's an actual monster pulling his chariot
Shamash, who has other dudes to drive for him so he can chill out

For the Bogovi:
Dazhbog, who has the most thoroughly pimped ride of any contestant
Svarozhich, who has been well-prepared by several lifetimes of fleeing monsters trying to eat his chariot

For the Devas:
Agni, burning rubber and everything else
Indra, who is, like, in charge of all chariots everywhere or something
Kali, who can and will dismember competitors
Kubera, who gets to totally ignore landbound obstacles
Shiva, who may or may not ruin everything over the course of the race
Surya, whose chariot has so many horses it kind of feels like cheating
Ushas, who at least manages to stay ahead of Surya most days
And like a billion more, seriously there are eleventy thousand minor Devas with chariots that are probably just spoiling to show them off

For the Dodekatheon:
Apollo, whose chariot gives new meaning to the term "blazing speed"
Ares, who is so hardcore his chariot is being pulled by dudes
Artemis, probably neck and neck with her brother
Athena, who invented the chariot and knows it better than anyone
Dionysus, who probably won't win but will almost certainly make the entire event more entertaining somehow
Hades, striking fear into the hearts of the competition
Hecate, whose chariot means serious business
Hephaestus, who totally has better than a fighting chance now that feet are out of the equation
Hera, who you really don't want to flip off while passing
Nike, who is practically guaranteed victory because she's Nike (though if she wins Zeus will just take credit for it since she represents him)
Poseidon, who may have trouble if this race is not aquatic
Zeus, who technically does have a chariot but usually lets others do the charioteering for him

For the Elohim:
Anat, who is going to wade in the blood of those she defeats after the race
Astarte, who is bringing motherfucking lions to this party
Baal, who normally rides on the clouds but would be more than willing to touch down so others can eat his dust
Shapshu, who has chariotted about with Resheph before and probably knows what's up

For the Pesedjet:
Set, who is basically the patron of chariot-driven wreckage

For the Tuatha de Danann:
Lugh, who may or may not be driving nine separate chariots simultaneously
Manannan mac Lir, whose horses do not give one damn about terrain
The Morrigan, who may be running with a one-legged horse but is still just that badass

For the Yazata:
Anahita, who is way too cool for this race but in it to win it anyway
Mithra, who tells everybody in this race who's the boss

And that's just the gods who are known to be charioteers; theoretically, any god who's good at Control for some other reason (like Ra for his boating) or really quick on Wits (like Loki) could probably jump into one and make it work, though they'd be a long shot to win.

Also, are you going to allow Titans to compete in this event? Sure, they're Titans, but this is about sports, and gods get funny when it comes to sports and the equal competition thereof - Resheph may say no, but everyone competing with Valor is going to be all BRING IT ON YOU ARE SO GOING DOWN IN THIS FAIR AND EVEN-HANDED COMPETITION. If so, Eos, Flidais, Helios, Mani, Selene, Sol and basically every Deva antagonist ever can get in on this action, too. And then there's the question of the rules; are contestants allowed to shoot one anothers' horses? Intentionally roadblock others? Cheat with Psychopomp? Use mind-control powers to make others lose? If it's no holds barred, things are going to get crazy; if it's regulated, the gods with Order and/or Valor may find they have a harder time of it than gods who can freely cheat (assuming they don't get caught, of course). Yet another layer of difficulty is which Titanrealms the race goes through; some gods will have more trouble with some realms than others.

My favorite to win is probably Manannan mac Lir. Ultimate Wits + Psychopomp + all the Fate purviews makes him very hard to surprise or outwit and very unlikely to hit any spots of bad luck, and even if he doesn't outright cheat with Psychopomp, it'll still make the way easier for him (and harder for others, if he wants to be a dick and White Stag them). Most charioteering gods are aligned with war for obvious reasons, but that means that the majority of them don't have the chops to compete with Manannan's shenanigans.

But there are so many variables in play that literally almost anything could happen! Did we forget any gods who should totally be in on this race, or do you guys have different picks to win?

4 comments:

  1. Manannan's shenanigans. Best phrase of the day!

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  2. Well, the Nemontondevos. I know there is not much records on them, but the people used chariots after they went out of style to transport their heroes to and from battles. Plus and this is a dirty little secret with the Greeks, the Nemontondevos people had some of the best chariot and wagon builders of the world. The Greeks hired them to build chariots and wagons for them cause they had a way of making them last way longer then them.

    Now then, I have one or two things about the race. You forget to give a mention to the Illusion people, who if given an inch will make there secret speedy weapon look like a chariot just to win. Then crafting gods would be at a very good end of this, mechanical horses anyone? There are so many, many factors to include about rules and what titan realms, though I think I can guess who it would come down to.

    The main people, whom I think would have the best chance, are people who can use illusion, psychopump, chaos, and crafting skills. I say this, because illusion will screw with your enemies before and during the race, psychopump have so many fun things, chaos to allow all hell to break loose while you are unaffected and crafting gods who can outbuild everyone and make awesome chariots with tricks.

    Now then, why does this sound like Wacky Races all over again and how can I get my Scion Bradley in on the fight. He has high Wits, crafting, Control, psychopump, can at least stay away from chaos and has a good chance through seeing illusions. Also, he be racing in his car or how it was put in the olden days, a horseless carriage. Carriage being the next step from chariot. So I do not see them disqualifying him for that. Then the car is a relic that has been supped up quite a bit to be fast.

    So, anyone wanna race?

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